Empty Notebook

How have I lived
for twenty-one years
and never noticed
This scab that covers my face

I want to float away
But these ropes
these people
these shackles
these pills
Ground me in this reality:
I am alone.

Though I kick my legs
with all of my strength
The burr clings to me
Like a parasite, it feeds
All that was mine is now hers

Tied to what once was
[Now seeing what wasn't]
I writhe and scream
In anguish
"I must be free!"
But all that I hear is my lips moving
"Fine, thank you."

Who was I?
to have danced with you
the sun on our backs
Not seeing the ropes
That tied me to her

Who is she?
to have danced with him
The sun on their backs
Not seeing the ropes
That tied them to each other

And yet another dances
with him
Protected by the chance she took
to live without ropes
or to die.

And here I sit
Among the camphor and sage
Praying to all Gods
Release me
Relieve me
I am still not prepared to feed the flowers
But these ropes must burn

And only with those flames
Can I destroy the blame
That I smear on my body in the dark
Waiting for you to sigh
And take my hand in yours

I am radiant
[or so I hear]
Inside my skin, I melt and rot
And lament the day I valued
Mind over matter
Trust over time

The skies waste their tears
Feeding the clover
As I sit on the grass, greedily eating
Leaf
after leaf
after leaf after leaf
Cramming flowers into my mouth
Dirt pours out as I speak

"No more; away."
A pile of soil lays placidly
Beside my gluttonous body
Where the clover was destroyed.
I giggle, not seeing my own folly
Climbing the mountain
To destroy my own reality

Clap of thunder
My bones snap into pieces
I fall
Sprawled on the dirt

A bag of blood and bones and flesh and parasites
For all to see:
do not be like me.

For days, I lay
My stomach burns
My mind is weak
And there is nothing to eat

Months later
The clovers will grow again
And I will have learned.